I’m married. I ask my wife before making plans to go out, I go to bed at 9pm every night, I don’t make a purchase without consulting the boss. I’m married. I like being married. But if this was a comic-book, and I had an arch nemesis, it would be the Single White Male (SWM). Here are Single White Male’s identifying super-powers:
1. Axe body spray – Nothing screams “I’m single and looking to mingle” or “I’m still in high-school”, like the unmistakable sting of Axe in your nostrils. If you do currently use AXE products (deodorant, body spray, shampoo, etc), I strongly urge you to consider a more grown up smell like actual cologne; and for Christ’s sake, two squirts MAX.
2. “Let’s hang” – I get it, you’re lonely. Seriously, I do get it. I don’t like my own company either and will almost always choose to be with somebody over the sound of silence. However, I think we can all agree that Tuesday nights are not an ideal time to head to the bar (I don’t even remember what the inside of nightclub looks like anymore), and besides, the new season of House of Cards was just released...
3. Always on the prowl – I’ll be honest with you, while bird-watching was fun back in the day when I played it fast and loose, I don’t care if the girl walking by is the “future ex-Mrs. YourLastNameHere). Also, I really don’t care who you almost hooked up with last night, or where she was on your personal rating scale. My rating scale was boxed up in storage years ago, and I have been trained to not only not check out other women (by the chief), but to critically examine their health and fitness level, and what imbalances and injuries they may have (work)…it’s not even fun anymore.
4. Johnny Drama – You live for almost getting in fights (but not really) at the bar with other SWM’s, for playing mind games with SWF’s, and for talking junk behind other people’s backs. It’s not a criticism, it’s a fact. Drama is exciting. It gives you something to talk/tweet/text about and you are drawn to it. As a married man, my survival depends on my ability avoid drama. On second thought, carry on, because the more drama you bring, the better I look! #AllTheBestMenAreMarried #NoCouchForMe